Transcription of Cidny Bullens for the show Healing through Writing #158
Dr. Lisa: As a physician, I’ve noticed that healing takes many forms and people tend to gravitate toward things that really mean something to them in order to get through difficult times. This next guest is an individual who gravitated toward his music and his singing and songwriting to get him through a particularly difficult time. This is Cidny Bullens, who is a singer, songwriter who has been nominated twice for a Grammy. His career has taken him from singing backup for Elton John to singing lead vocals on a Grease movie soundtrack. He has had eight critically-acclaimed albums.
Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth was released in 1999 and was dedicated to his 11-year old daughter, Jessie, who died of cancer in 1996. Thank you so much for being in here.
Cidny: It’s my pleasure.
Dr. Lisa: Cidny, I think I was mentioning to you before, we started our interview here that I had a brief intersection with your daughter when I was going through my medical training at Maine Medical Center. You mentioned that it was only three months between the time she was diagnosed and she passed away. The fact that I even have that intersection is amazing to me. You went through a lot within a very short period of time.
Cidny: We did. First of all, it was a shock to have the diagnosis in the first place, obviously. Jessie had been not feeling well and progressively more and more ill and showing more signs of something wrong for about three months. We kept taking her to the pediatrician and it was the flu and it was this hanging on and that hanging on. Finally, around Thanksgiving of 1995, we went in and said, “This is not a flu. This is something.”
They took some x-rays. Finally, she went in for some chest x-rays in the beginning of December. The found her lungs full of tumors and that began the process. Even then, we were in denial about … Even then, they say said, “Well, it’s probably not cancer.” They always say that. I don’t know why.
Of course, a week later, she was diagnosed with fourth stage Hodgkin’s Disease. Even then, they said to us … I understand the approach of physicians and so on, but they said to us, “You know, if she has to have cancer, this is the best one to have kind of thing, because there’s a 95% cure.” The 5% is 5% and Jessie happened to be in that percentile.
It was a lot to take in. When your child is diagnosed with cancer, it’s one of those things where you just can’t comprehend it. For that three-month period between diagnosis and her death, she died on March 23rd, 1996, you’re still comprehending the meaning of, the implications of her having cancer. Within that time, she had been on protocol, a certain protocol, and then the cancer would came back more. It was a particularly virulent kind, strain. I don’t know, I’m not a physician. We kept making plans for her to go here, go there or whatever.
You keep yourself busy with the prospect of survival, how do we keep our child from dying, basically but it didn’t work. She got some kind of infection in the hospital after a particularly difficult and strong change in her protocol, meaning more chemotherapy, different kind of whatever. I guess her immune system was so compromised that she got some kind of meningitis or something in the hospital.
“This is what we figured: “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” It’s really what it comes down to. She went into seizures on March 21st, which was my birthday, the last time I ever heard her voice. She died. We kept her alive on life support for two days so that people could come in and say goodbye.
It’s still, 18 years later, when I talk about the particular moments leading up to her death and around her death, it brings me right back to that room in the ICU and her looking the way she looked, which is a lot different than her normal look. We had her picture on the window of the ICU as you walked in so you kind of knew what she looked like. The nurses knew that that was who she was.
By the way, let me just say right here and now, that the physicians and the nurses of Maine’s Children’s Cancer Program in Maine Medical Center were just unbelievably wonderful. We’re still in touch. I’m still in touch with her oncologist. I played at his wedding last … He lives in Austin, Texas now and I played at his wedding last year. I’m still in touch with some of the nurses and social workers and so on.
That’s part of the healing. That’s part of the connection. You said, it was interesting that there was that three-month period and you got to meet Jessie or interact and know about her in that time. Even today, the oncologist and the nurses who treated her and who were around her say that it was like this blazing light which is on her gravestone came in and she was like a magnet and people just knew she was there.
I have to say also, as an adjunct, in the 18 years since her death and in the 15 years since I’ve been singing the songs of Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth which is what we’re here to talk about, if I can shut up for a minute, is I have met so many people whose children have been affected by disease or have died in other ways. It seems like all of those kids have some almost an unearthly quality to them, that they are magnets somehow. Makes you wonder about whether or not they just came in for a short period of time to teach us what lessons of love and light.
Dr. Lisa: Before you even talked about her gravestone and the words that you had on her gravestone, the word that I had in my mind was luminous. I don’t think I had any responsibility for her care. I think I was, I’m thinking about this now, I was a medical student. In fact, what’s very interesting is I was pregnant with my daughter at that time, who was born in January of ’96. It was so difficult to be pregnant with my second child and rotating through pediatrics and rotating through and seeing the pediatric oncology patients and just know that for many of them, there was no good ending, really.
There was something luminous about Jessie. I mean, there was something that was very compelling about her and almost healing in a very strange way for me. I can’t, having never lost a child, I would never say that there’s a good thing that comes out of somebody’s child being sick or dying but I can tell you that in this case with Jessie and my interaction with her, it really meant something to me just for being present.
Cidny: It makes me cry. You can’t cry and talk at the same time, as you know. Thank you for that. She was a blazing light and people didn’t forget her if they met her. First of all, she had this red hair. It wasn’t that orange red hair. It was auburn red hair but it’s a thick head of stunning hair. In fact, all ladies would stop us on the street and say, “You know, I’ve been trying to find that hair color my whole life.”
Jessie, she made an impression in her 11 years everywhere she went. Her legacy has been huge. Her reach has been huge.
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Dr. Lisa: You’re going to play a song for us, I believe, from this album?
Cidny: I am. I’m going to play a song called Better than I’ve ever been, which was almost the last song, or second to the last song written over that year in nine months that I was writing the songs. It was my wish for myself at that time. Just my wish for myself and I think that wishes come true. It’s not about when I say, “Better than I’ve ever been,” it’s about being a better person, just somehow giving back and being a better person. I think it’s come true, one day at a time. (music)
Dr. Lisa: Why do you think that this has had such an impact on people, that your music has had such an impact on people around the world? Is it the music? Is it the healing process? Is it that we all can relate to having a child in our life and the possibility of losing that child?
Cidny: The interesting thing about this particular record, and there’s two parts to this, because there is the part that affects bereaved parents. Over the last 15 years, I’ve done many, many, many concerts for bereaved parents, for hospice organizations, for palliative care and hospice physicians and nurses, the annual conferences and so on of that. I’ve done concerts for universities and colleges for sociology courses on death and dying and stuff all over the United States and actually some parts of Canada and Europe, and Australia.
There’s two components to this. One is the bereaved parents and how it has affected them. There is also the general population. Let me just say real quick that the songs on Somewhere between Heaven and Earth, and again, I didn’t have anything to do with really any aspect of the songs except that they came through me. I think that the 30 years or 25 years, whatever it was, at the time of my experience as a songwriter, I believe that every bit of experience that I’ve had up until the moment that I start writing those songs was directly for the writing of Somewhere between Heaven and Earth.
The five years I had spent in Nashville learning how to write songs, even though I have been a songwriter for years before that, there was a different kind of education of writing with other people and learning how to craft and get different aspects of a song to work together. That said, I believe that all of my experience came together for me to write Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth because what happened between Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth does not only did affect people who would have similar experiences but it affected people who never had that experience.
It was an album that anybody can relate to because it was the human experience of life, love, loss and resurrection, basically. All those archetypal things were touched in this record. Now, I am telling you that from the vantage of being 18 years away or 15 years away from the release of that album. I didn’t know any of that at the time. I didn’t know any of it. I just wrote it. What happened was it became a commercial success, which it’s my biggest album ever. The reason I say that is because, because of that, because it was accessible to everyone, more people got to hear it. My only wish for that album was that whoever needed to hear it would hear it.
To answer your question, because anybody could slide themselves into the exp of anyone of those 10 songs without having lost a child, it was able to touch many, many more people. Of course, the people who had lost a child or a loved one got something different from it. The thing that I hear mostly from bereaved parents is that, “You spoke the words that I couldn’t speak. You said what I have not been able to say. You said exactly what I feel, but couldn’t come up within words.”
I can’t tell you, I mean, it’s odd to be grateful for something that came out of the death of your own child, but that album for me, first of all, it’s my legacy, but it goes back to Jessie’s reach. The whole sphere of Jessie’s presence and energy combined with my own, combined with my experience as a songwriter and who I am as an artist put into those songs was kind of the perfect combination to reach people who needed to hear that.
There were many people who needed to hear that. They tell me that, I’m not saying they needed to hear it. They told me that because they were going through something in their lives in which they needed to … One of those songs helped them through that. Better Than I’ve Ever Been is a great example of that, and it was the single to the song, to the album which came out and got the most airplay and therefore got the most exposure.
It was something that everybody can relate to. There are times when you just don’t know where to turn, whether you’ve lost your job or you’re going through divorce or you’ve lost a loved one. Whatever it may be, you’re just lost in your life. You don’t know what to do.
There’s this moment where you got to make a choice. You either got to go home and put the covers up over your head, which believe me, I still want to do many times, or you’re going to take a step forward and you’re going to take that leap of faith. Jessie has taught me that, to take the leap of faith. That’s what Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth was, that even though I didn’t know what I was doing, how I was doing it and there were times when I want to give up and say, “What the heck am I doing?” I get this poker, this feeling, like, “Keep going.” I am grateful for the opportunity to have been of service to a lot of people. It still boggles my mind today, to how far a reach this has had.
Dr. Lisa: We could do an entire other show on another aspect of how Better Than I Have Ever Been seems to reflect your life, and that is the transition that you have made from being Cindy Bullens to being Cidny Bullens. I think it’s a story that is worth telling. I don’t think it’s necessarily central to our discussion of Jessie. I wanted to mention, this is something that you did for yourself and it really does speak to some greater courage that you’ve had in your life and moving forward towards something that you knew was important for yourself, even if you didn’t know exactly how to get there or why you were going in that direction.
Cidny: That’s true. You speak of my, yes, my transition from female to male. I’ve always been transgender, even though that word didn’t exist until about 15 years ago. Yes, we could do whole other program on this, and I’ll try to keep this short. I always knew that I, or felt, that I was born in the wrong body. My mother, who’s now gone, could have told you the same. I can remember being 4 years old and telling my mother, “Don’t call me Cindy. I’m not a girl.”
I did what I call a workaround, because at 19 years old, and that was in the early ’70s so there wasn’t a heck of a lot going on back then about transitioning. I looked, I thought about it and I couldn’t do it because I had no money, I had no support. It wasn’t something that anybody did that I know. It was so far off the radar. I did a workaround in my life. I got married, I had two children. I bore those two children as their mother. I was married for 22 years. My ex-husband knew. There was nothing, there were no secrets but I did what I could do.
I can’t tell you that I was tortured by being thought of as a woman. It becomes kind of this irritation. I never use that word before until this moment. For example, every single time, I would walk into a ladies room or a woman’s room, I would look at the sign and there would be this like, tink. I mean, but I did because that’s who I was.
I had a hard time looking in the mirror after a shower because I always felt that my breast weren’t my own and I didn’t relate to them, except breastfeeding, which I loved. I was resigned to who I was and I became Cindy Bullens and I had this wonderful life as … Other than Jessie’s death, but I had this full life, let me say that. I never was pretended to be anything … My clothes that I have on today is the same clothes I had as Cindy. I haven’t changed my wardrobe at all. Everybody just accepted that and I was called androgynous and all that.
If you had told me three days before my epiphany, two years, three years ago, about the fact that I could transition, that I would transition, I would have told you, “You’re crazy.” Again, it was this confluence of energies. Suddenly, there was space for me to confront and to look at the elephant in the room.
I was single for eight years. My daughter, Reed, was married with kids. I wasn’t really doing all that much music, a little bit here and there, but that didn’t really matter. It was like this clear path. There was nobody that was going to be affected. Obviously, people are affected, but I mean directly. I had a conversation with a friend who was also transitioning and I went for it. It’s been an experience, let’s just say.
I’m not 25, I’m not 35, I’m not 45. I’m not 55 either, ladies and gentlemen. It’s been interesting, but in terms of healing, I have been able to explore that part of me and I’m really glad that I did. I still am, and I’m going to say this, I still am Cindy Bullens. I still am that person. I know you can’t see this on the radio but I’m going to say it.
My daughter, Reed, who was brilliant when she wants to be and not a pain in the butt when I think she is. My daughter, Reed, said, “Mom, you’ve always been,” and I’m showing my hand and a line. Just imagine a line. “Mom, you’ve always been on just this side of the gender line, and now you’re moving just over the edge of the other side.” That to me put it perfectly because I’ve always been in the middle; looks-wise, acting-wise, feeling-wise. What I’ve done, instead of just being on the female side, is I’ve just moved a little over to the mail side.
Dr. Lisa: You have a book that’s coming out soon and people could probably read more about your experience.
Cidny: My book is not coming out soon, my One-Person Show, My One Wo/Man Show, is going to be premiering later this year or early next year. The book will follow, but I’m a ways from the book. I’ve got Piles and Piles, and I am writing it, but I’m concentrating right now on the One Wo/Man Show, which is called Somewhere Between, and I’m going to be premiering it in Santa Fe, New Mexico later this year. I expect to bring it to Portland probably early next year.
That has been a daunting experience, but it is touching on all of our, not all all but the aspects of my life that we touched on today. Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth is a big part of it. The transition is kind of threaded through out, or my being transgender, but it’s not about that. It’s just part of who I am. Obviously, the early music career, my marriage and so on and so forth.
I’m really, really excited about that. Of course, it will be musical, there will be music. I’m really excited about that.
Dr. Lisa: Cidny, I appreciate you coming in and talking to us today. I appreciate you sharing your story, the entirety of your store. I also appreciate Jessie and the experience that I had with her, however briefly, 18 years ago. My 18 year old just graduated from high school. I can’t imagine not having her in my life. I can’t imagine not having any of my children. To think that what you’ve managed to do as a result of having Jessie for the 11 years you’ve had her brought such healing to people in so many different places. I give you a lot of credit for that and for whatever energy helped that.
Cidny: Lots of energy helped that.
Dr. Lisa: We’ve been speaking with Cidny Bullens. How do we reach you? What’s your website?
Cidny: My website is cidnybullens.com. You can also get me through cindybullens.com, I still have it but cidnybullens.com. I’m also on Facebook, just under my name. There’s a Van page as well. Yeah, there’s all kinds of connections to my email and so on and so forth.
Dr. Lisa: Thank you very much for doing all that you’ve done and for being here today.
Cidny: Thank you very much for having me.
Dr. Lisa: You’ve been listening to the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour and Podcast, Show Number 158: Healing Through Writing. Our guests have included Eileen Doyan and Cidny Bullens. For more information on our guests and extended interviews, visit doctorlisa.org. The Dr. Lisa Radio Hour and Podcast is downloadable for free in iTunes. For a preview of this week’s show, sign up for our eNewsletter and like our Dr. Lisa Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter as @doctorlisa and catch my Daily Run photo as Bountiful One on Instagram.
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Dr. Lisa Belisle is a physician trained in family and preventative medicine, acupuncture and public health. She offers medical care and acupuncture at Brunswick Family Medicine. Read more about her integrative approach to wellness in “Maine” magazine.
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